this intruiging piece of investigative journalism comes from my buddy bartels, a diehard mets fan disgruntled over the fact that his boys quest for the NL pennant is being completely overshadowed by yankees news in new york.
now, normally i wouldn't have any sympathy for the mets or their fans, but anything anti-yankees is alright with me. plus he might accuse me of being responsible for 9/11 if i don't post this. enjoy.
Since purchasing the Yankees, George Steinbrenner has used his manipulative and irrational persona to transform the Yankees into baseball's foremost dictatorship/terrorist sports organization. He has used many different methods to keep the Yankees the topic of conversation around the sports world and in NY papers. Yesterday's tragic incident has been the result of the Evil Empire's latest jihad against the New York Mets for NY fans hearts. Here's a timetable of the last few days events:
Saturday 6pm – Yankees lose and are eliminated from ALDS, choke once again in playoffs
Saturday 12am – Mets win and clinch NLDS series, tides are turning on town
Sunday papers – Yanks blow up on cover, writers talk about loss and who to blame
Sunday 8am – Realizing he is losing the hearts of the city, Boss realizes he must act quickly
Sunday 10am – Leaks information to Daily News that he will fire Joe Torre tomorrow
Monday papers– Joe Torre story on covers, many experts discuss the ordeal
Monday 11am – Boss meets w/ his Brain Trust (Kim Jong Il, Brian Cashman, Osama Bin Laden, Urn w Babe Ruth\'s Ashes, Donald Trump, Reggie Jackson, Sgt. Slaughter, Mike Francessa, and Puck from Real World)
Monday 2pm – Makes announcement that Torre will stay but no word on A-Rod yet
Tuesday papers– A-Rod on cover and the discussion turns to if he will stay or be traded, and Jeters role in the decision
Tuesday 3pm – The Boss holds another press conference announcing A-Fraud isn't going anywhere
Wednesday papers – Mets finally get some press 3 days after sweeping NLDS with their game scheduled for Wed night. NY Daily News also runs huge wrap around cover of Mets painting over Yankees logo titled "ITS OUR TOWN"
Wednesday 7am– Boss calls emergency meeting with Brain Trust, says he needs a way to keep the Mets out of the spotlight for the rest of postseason and Evil Empire is now operating in Code Red.
Wednesday 12pm – Kim Jong Il comes up with the idea of a Kamikaze suicide bombing by one of the players into Shea Stadium during the Mets playoff game. They rework the plan to look like an accident in order to gain sympathy and now just need a candidate, Cashman nominates Corey Lidle and lists why:
- Cashman never wanted him in Abreu trade but he was thrown in there like that unwanted side of coleslaw you get w/ a good NY Deli Sandwich
- Criticized Torre on Sunday for not preparing the team (or the caviar in their pregame spread) properly
- Loss in Game 4 makes him an easy scapegoat rather than all the billionaire bums of "Murderers Row Plus Cano" who didn't hit
- Just became pilot and owns his own plane making it so easy that Wiley Coyote could pull it off
- Argued with Cashman about his flying hobby and its safety, and when you fuck with the Bull……..
- Eligible to be free agent in off season (while A-Rod still has some trade value to any non-playoff team)
- Played as a replacement player during MLB strike, angering the greedy bastards on strike
- Double dipped his tortilla chip in clubhouse guacamole while cleaning out his locker on Tuesday which infuriated the Assistant to the Traveling Secretary, Mr Costanza
Wednesday 2:45pm - Cory Lidle and his co-pilot both died when a plane he was piloting crashed into the 50-story Bellaire Condo building on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Four of the buildings residents were also slightly injured in the accident, they were identified as Phillip Banks, Vivian Banks, Carlton Banks, and the Fresh Prince.
QUICK FACTS (COINCIDENCE?)
- Fall 1973 – Steinbrenner buys Yankees / the Arab - Israeli War occurs
- 1982 – 1994 Yankees Postseason Drought / Al Queada's formative years
- Fall 1996 – Yankees new dynasty begins w World Series win / Bin Laden begins alliance w Taliban
- Spring 1997 – Steinbrenner appears on Seinfeld / Al Queada begins distributing terrorist propaganda
- Fall 2000 – Steinbrenner strikes a blow with subway series win / USS Cole Bombing occurs
- 2001 – Mets GM Steve Phillips signs Mo Vaughn, Roger Cedeno, & Roberto Alomar / WTC Attacks
- Fall 2006 – Steinbrenner launches campaign to stop Operation Sports Page Freedom after playoff loss